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Focus on your strengths not your weaknesses

by Rockstar 26 January 2021

“Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses.”- Marilyn vos Savant

I’m born and raised in The Netherlands and it is not very common in our culture to speak about the great things your have achieved in your life. As soon as you are proud of an achievement, people think you are arrogant hence we have a tendency to not speak about our strengths. This is different in the US where it is normal to speak openly about successes and strengths.

When you ask people to name their strengths and weaknesses, they always start with naming their weaknesses, try it with your fiends and you will see that most of them can easily name some of their weaknesses and feel uncomfortable to speak about their strengths.

It’s the same in businesses where most of the focus is on fixing weaknesses. Strategy workshops always start with the so-called SWOT analysis and you will see that most of the time and actions are based on fixing the weaknesses. What companies should do is to focus more efforts on the strengths of the company; it’s products, services and employees. So focus more on the ‘S’ in the SWOT analysis. How can they do more of their strengths and how can they become better and transform from a good into a great company.

If you focus on the weaknesses; it’s like training Messi to become the best goalkeeper, that won’t work. All he does is to be an even better striker for Barcelona and score more goals. Focus on the strengths and you will see more success!

It should be common sense that for a positive life style you should focus on your strengths instead of your weakness but unfortunately the vast majority of us are trying to solve their weaknesses. Successful companies like Tesla, Google, Spotify and Facebook focus their vast majority of their time on their strengths and get even better at it.

For a lot of people it will feels uncomfortable start focusing more on their strengths but I would like to challenge you in starting to write down your strengths on a piece of paper or in your digital note taker like Evernote. You can do this in different ways;

Take a piece of paper and write down all your strengths in the next 15 min. Don’t think too much about it, just write down everything that you can think of
Incubate it into your daily routine / habit like describe in one of my previous blog posts. Everyday you need to write down at least one strength you have. Do this exercise for the next 60 days.

It doesn’t matter what kind of strength it is and how “big” it is. A couple of examples:

I’m a very good listener
I’m always supportive to my kids while doing their homework
I make the best pasta you have ever tasted
I’m the best guitar player in my hometown
I’m always friendly when stranger ask me a question
I have set up a successful business

Again it is not how “big” your strengths are it is about the acknowledgement and realization that you have strengths and trust me everybody have strengths, a lot!

Whatever your decide on how to document your strengths, make sure they are easy to find and they are all in one place because her comes the trick….every time you think about a ‘weakness’ or when somebody reminds you of one of your ‘weaknesses’ grab your list and ad random pick three strengths and read them out loud so that if somebody was standing next to you he or she could hear you speak. After a while you will realize that the three strengths will overrule your “weakness”.

After a couple of weeks when you have trained your mind you will see that you will start thinking more about your strengths and become more positive in your self believe hence your will do more of what you are good at.

Focusing on your strengths is somethings that is coming from the positive psychology and mainly from one of my biggest inspirators – Martin Seligman. In his book “Authentic Happiness” he is talking about Character Strengths and Virtues. There are 6 classes of virtues that are made up of 24-character strengths.

The six virtues are:

Wisdom
Courage
Humanity
Justice
Temperance
Transcendence

Each virtue contains of character strengths

1. Wisdom

Creativity

Clever
Original & Adaptive
Problem Solver

Curiosity

Interested
Explores new things
Open to new ideas

Judgment

Critical thinker
Thinks things thorough
Open-minded

Love of learning

Masters new skills & topics
Systematically adds to knowledge

Perspective

Wise
Provides wise counsel
Takes the big picture view

2. Courage

Bravery

Shows valor
Doesn’t shrink from fear
Speaks up for what is right

Perseverance

Persistent
Industrious
Finishes what one start

Honesty

Authentic
Trustworthy
Sincere

Zest

Enthusiastic
Energetic
Doesn’t do things half-heartedly

3. Humanity

Love

Warm and genuine
Values close relationships

Kindness

Generous
Nurturing
Caring
Compassionate • Altruistic

Social Intelligence

Aware of the motives and feelings of self/others
Knows what makes others tick

4. Justice

Teamwork

Team player
Socially responsible
Loyal

Fairness

Just
Doesn’t let feelings bias decisions about others

Leadership

Organizes group activities
Encourages a group to get things done

5. Temperance

Forgiveness

Merciful
Accepts others’ shortcomings
Gives people a second chance

Humility

Modest
Lets one’s accomplishments speak for themselves

Prudence

Careful
Cautious
Doesn’t take undue risks

Self-regulation

Self-controlled
Disciplined
Manages impulses and emotions

6. Transcendence

Appreciation of beauty & Excellence

Feels awe and wonder in beauty
Inspired by goodness of others

Gratitude

Thankful for the good
Expresses thanks
Feels blessed

Hope

Optimistic
Future-minded
Future Orientated

Humor

Playful
Brings smiles to others
Lighthearted

Spirituality

Searches for meaning
Feels a sense of purpose
Senses a relationship with the sacred

More information about each character strengths can be found here

In order to find your own personal character strengths, you can do an online test and answer 240 questions – > https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/questionnaires/survey-character-strengths

Based on this test you will find your 5 so called signature strengths. I can share my 5 signature strengths based on the test I did:

Perseverance
Fairness
Leadership
Gratitude
Humor

My goal is to use these 5 signature strengths in my everyday life. Both in my working and private life and see if I can strengthen these character strengths even more.

During the next couple of days, I would like to challenge you to focus more on your strengths and see how you can do more of those and become even better in your strengths. This is much easier than to eliminate a weakness and to become better in your strengths will also give you more joy and happiness in your everyday life. It will also increase your motivation curve to focus on the strength and the positive things and that will give your more energy!

Start focusing on your strengths!

Please find some good video’s on YouTube about discovering your signature strengths

Photo by Esteban Lopez on Unsplash

26 January 2021 0 comment

Books Inspiration Mindset Positive

The Positive ratio

by Rockstar 24 January 2021

“Positivity opens us. The first core truth about positive emotions is that they open our hearts and our minds, making us more receptive and more creative” – Barbara L. Fredrickson

In most of the books I read in the last couple of years, there was always a reference to Barbara’s best seller simply called “Positivity”. Almost three years ago, I finally had the opportunity to read her book and I must say it was above my expectations. A great eye-opener with clear scientific studies and evidence about positive thinking and how you will flourish in life with a positive mindset. Your thoughts strongly affect your level of positivity.

From the first to the last page, she is taking you in a positive roller coaster of amazing examples and scientific evidence why positive thinking is good for your health and well being. It starts with a story of a woman who overslept and need to rush to work and is already behind her schedule. The book describes two scenarios on how she can think and feel about the same situation in two completely different ways. This shows that, if you can control your thoughts about a situation you are very close to focus more on the positivity and flourish in your life.

The focus in the book is on ten (10) forms of positivity

Joy
Gratitude
Serenity
Interest
Hope
Pride
Amusement
Inspiration
Awe
Love

Those ten forms of positivity are the basis for the six (6) facts of positivity that she describes in her book:

Fact 1: Positivity feels good

Fact 2: Positivity changes how your mind works

Fact 3: Positivity transforms your future

Fact 4: Positivity puts the break on negativity

Fact 5: Positivity obeys a tipping point

Fact 6: You can increase your positivity

All these six facts are backed up by studies and scientific evidence to prove them right.

For me the book has two main key elements that will help me in the future of creating a positive life style.

First one is fact 2: Positivity changes how your mind works -> Positivity broadens your mind and the second is fact 5: Positivity obeys a tipping point -> A positive ratio >3-to-1 forecast flourishing.

Positivity Broaden your mind

Positivity opens your mind and expends our range of vision. A broaden mind changes the way you think and act in a wider range of circumstances. When you see more, more ideas are coming to your mind hence more actions become possible. Although this broaden mindscape is temporary, it creates the needed mind space. You escape the tightness of negativity and gain elbowroom for greater flexibility and seeing the big picture.

Positive ratio >3 to 1

Yes, there is indeed a magic number to feel better and flourish in life. After many different studies the outcome was that the tipping point was a positive ration of 2.9013 to 1, or easier 3 to 1. Which means that that you need 3 positive emotions against 1 negative emotion. If you want to flourish you need you extend the 3 to 1 and go for 4, 5 or 6. The maximum is 11 after that studies shows that there is no extra affect. The optimal ratio tested is 4 to 1.

Under the 3 to 1 you have a big change to fall into a depression. The great thing about the book it that it comes with a “Positive self test” to calculate your ratio at a certain moment in your life. This test will look at the 10 positive forms: Joy, Gratitude, Serenity, Interest, Hope, Pride, Amusement, Inspiration, Awe and Love. Next to the positive forms the test will also look at the 10 negative forms; Angry, Ashamed, Contemptuous, Disgust, Embarrassed, Guilty, Hate, Sad, Scared and Stressed.

You can do this test online as well: http://www.positivityresonance.com/

I reckon you start filling out this test on a regular basis and see how you are progressing. I can tell you it really works! Life feels so much better and is more fun when you flourish so go for the 4-1 and set your target maybe at 5-1 or 6-1!

I would like to finish this blog post with a personal experience that is also described in the book and this experience is another good example of evidence about the good things of positivity. In chapter 6 the book describes that a positive mind gives you more power to bounce back from life challenges. The book use examples of people with resilient personality bounced back stronger after 9/11; they become more optimistic, more tranquil, and more fulfilled.

In the summer of 2017, my family and I enjoyed a holiday on the Greece Island of Kos, where I actually finished reading the Positivity book on the 20^th of July. The picture above this blog is actually taken on the beach when I finished the book. Later that night when we were all asleep we experienced one of the scariest moments in our life…. a 6.7 earthquake with the epicentre 30KM away in the sea from our hotel.

It was 1.31am Greece time so the whole family was in deep sleep. I woke up from the shocking earth and felt the cortisol in my veins and within 5 seconds I was outside, carrying my youngest daughter. All of us were in shock. The next morning after some after shocks the family was still in shock from the big earthquake and I realised that we are very lucky because there was no damage in our hotel and we are not injured. Unfortunately a collapsing wall in a bar killed 2 people in the town of Kos. With the gratitude that my family was all right after the big earthquake and that no really big aftershocks are expected I was already enjoying my holiday, felt relax and happy to be in Greece. Other people in the hotel found it harder to overcome fear they felt during the earthquake. In the end we had a great holiday with only a couple of aftershocks we felt but I realised that my physical heart is filled with resilience and that I react differently to stress compared to the year before, when I had my burn-out.

Reading “Positivity” is definitely one of my biggest recommendations towards a positive lifestyle!

24 January 2021 0 comment

Books Inspiration Mindset

Circle of Influence

by Rockstar 17 January 2021

During my burn-out I read a lot about what kind of people are more in the likelihood of becoming burn-out. I realize that all kinds of people are subjected to be able to get a burn-out, but I could read between the lines that the so called ‘control freaks’ (like me) are showing a higher risk for having burn-outs. This is because there comes a time where control freaks ‘loose’ control and influence of the situation and that potentially can contribute to a burn-out.

As mentioned in my first blog I wanted to come back stronger after my burn-out by building a plan. Unconsciously I used the circle of influence a lot in my planning and the actual execution of my plan. Later on I used it in my daily habits when facing negativity, fear and uncertainties. While doing a little bit of more research for this blog post I realised that I leaned about the circle of influence 10 years ago when I read the 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen Covey. Nobody told me during my burn-out that I need to look into my circle of influence, but unconsciously my mind remembered that I read about it a couple of years ago and that I can use it for a more positive lifestyle and accept certain situations.

The circle of influence is for me one of the best solutions I found for recovering from my burn-out and I still use it in my day-to-day life. It gives me a lot of support to handle difficult situations and decision. Based on this I started to think more positively. Covey beliefs that proactive people focus inside their circle of influence, I strongly believe that people with a positive mind-set and lifestyle do as well.

The great reward you will get when you focus more inside your circle of influence is that you will get a feeling that you can control your life and destiny since you don’t worry about the things you can’t control.

Negative people have a tendency to focus too much on things they can’t control. Most of the time they think they are the victim of circumstances and dwell further in these negative thoughts.

What is actually the circle of influence?

It’s a very simple concept, you draw a circle on a piece of paper. Inside the circle you write down all the thing you can control and influence. Outside the circle you write down all the things you can’t control and influence.

circle of control

The trick with the circle of influence is that when you focus all your energy on what you can control and influence you will notice that the circle will grow and become bigger. You will find more things that you can actually influence with your positive mindset.

Negative people focus too much on matters outside their circle and will realise that the circle is shrinking and they ‘see’ less and less matters they can’t control.

In the psychology this kind of feeling of having control of the outcome of events in your life is called locus of control (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control).

For me this all starts with accepting that you as a person are responsible for your own life, not your spouse, friends, boss, colleagues etc. It is you and nobody else than you who is responsible. The way you feel, behave, react etc. is your own decision to do so.

Quoting Covey: “Between stimuli and response, everybody has the freedom to choose”

During my burn-out I blamed others, and the different circumstances, but that was wrong and it will never support you in your recovery. My psychiatrist convinced me already in my second session that I’m responsible for my life and that I’m not allowed to blame others, that’s too easy and you will walk away from your responsibility and give your life in the hand of others. You, me, your colleagues, everybody needs to accept that this is your life hence your responsibility to make it great, be positive and happy.

Negative people believe that their life is a product of their physical and social environment. The have a strong external locus of control and focus outside their circle of influence. They believe that their quality of life is determined by luck, fate and that others are responsible for who and what they are.

Positive people believe that they are responsible for how they respond to outside stimuli. They have a strong internal locus of control and focus inside their circle of influence. They believe that the quality of their life is determined by their own action and chooses. They don’t blame others or circumstances for their life they live.

The biggest difference is that positive people taking responsibility and they focus on matters that they can control and influence hence live inside their circle of influence.

Every time you move more attention from inside to outside your circle of influence you allow the outside to control your life.

While planning my comeback I first needed to accept that “me, myself and I” is responsible for my own life, feeling and behaviour. I’m my own boss and I should stop dwelling on things I can’t control. This is also how I overcome my fear and anxiety.

What I would like to ask you to do is simply; draw a circle on a blank piece of paper and start to write down all the things you can control and influence inside your circle. You will notice that you have drawn a too small circle because you can control and influence more than your think. When you are ready you can start adding things you can’t control outside the circle. Now comes the trick……STOP focusing on the things outside the circle and focus all your time and energy on the things inside the circle of influence and you will see that you will start feeling more in control and start to have more positive feelings.

Every time you are worried and have negative thoughts, feeling stressed or anxious, just look at this circle or draw a new one and see if these things are in your circle of influence. If yes, work on it if not stop focusing on it!

So stop complaining about others and things you can’t control, focus all your time, effort and energy on the things you can influence, control or change and you will see something magic will happen with you and how you feel. More in control, less stress, positive and you can get things done while noticing that your circle of influence is growing.

Photo by Finn Hackshaw on Unsplash

17 January 2021 2 comments